It's been a while... life update

I have been thinking about this blog for a few months now, desperately wanting and needing to write but lacking confidence to do it. I have got the laptop out three times this week with the intention of posting, so now I am finally doing it! I have really really missed blogging. I have been doing it sporadically since 2009 and in the back of my mind I still think of myself as a blogger.

So much has happened since I was last here! So much. And thankfully I am in a much better headspace today. I couldn’t see any future at all back then, and I certainly couldn’t envisage being happy in my work ever again. I had a month off with stress/depression, and I did a lot of thinking and reassessing my life. When I went back to work I wasn’t finding it any easier to cope with, despite my employer being supportive and me trying so hard to be positive about it and make it work. But it just wasn’t the right role for me, it never was, and it never would have been. I had wonderful, amazing colleagues though, and they collectively kept me alive, actually. They don’t know that, but they did.

So I put all of my spare time into job hunting. I very quickly applied for (and got) another role within the same organisation and it sounded perfect – an admin job, so not on the phones, and it was closer to home so I would have barely had a commute. The only downside was a reduction in salary, but to be honest I was still so miserable and close to the edge that I didn’t care, it was away from my existing job and my mental health is always more important than money. But soon afterwards they called me to say things had changed with regards to that post due to budget cuts, and they offered me the same role but at a different location, which basically would have meant the same commute as I was already doing, but in the opposite direction, and it was now only a fixed-term job for six months, instead of being permanent. Part of the reason I applied for the new job was to cut my commute, so working for less money but still spending a huge amount on petrol and the prospect of being out of a job in the new year made it a no-no really, so I had to decline. I was gutted as it meant I was still stuck in a job that was making me ill, but I didn’t lose hope. I couldn’t. Call me a cliché, but I just knew that things would end up ok. I hadn’t come back from the brink of ending my own life for nothing. The other job was not meant to be for a reason, and I remember thinking that at the time even though I was upset.  I was literally just getting through the workdays and going home straight to bed. I was physically exhausted, and emotionally only just clinging on enough for me to function. I am not exaggerating when I say that I totally missed Summer 2017. I was literally in bed from the moment I got home every evening, surviving on cereal and porridge that I ate in bed whilst completely dreading the next working day, desperately trying to claw back some physical energy yet crying myself to sleep every night.

While all this was going on, one of my dearest friends moved to the Isle of Man to start a lovely new life with her family, and I really missed her.  We saw each other all the time since she lived really close to me, so it was really odd. Lots of changes and lots of emotions. In July I was finally diagnosed with Pernicious Anaemia which explained my debilitating fatigue at least. That, along with my Cerebral Palsy and Fibromyalgia also meant that I could no longer physically sustain full time employment, and my GP and I had a long discussion culminating in the fact that I would realistically have to scale down what I was doing and look for part-time employment.

A couple of months after the new job offer fell apart I saw a part-time Receptionist job advertised at a Hospital ten minutes from home, and I applied immediately. I knew that it meant that my salary would be more than halved, so things would be very very tough financially, but money certainly doesn’t buy happiness and I certainly couldn’t have been more miserable. I just wanted to be happy in my work and feel more fulfilled, and I knew in my gut that it would be a perfect fit for me.

Cut a long story short, I got the job!!! I started at the end of October and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!!! After my first day, it already felt more “right” than my old job ever did in the 10 months I was there. My colleagues are lovely and they immediately embraced me into their little team and made me feel so welcome, it feels like I have been there for years. There is still an awful lot to learn, I am doing lots of overtime and so I am constantly shattered, and I am permanently ill (welcome to working frontline in the NHS!) but despite that, I am happy! I. AM. HAPPY. I still can’t believe that I am able to write those words, but I am the happiest I have felt in years. I feel like I have won the Lotto! Yes I am also skint to the point where I have £25 a week left for food and petrol, and I have had to massively cut back on Christmas present buying this year, but STILL I am happy. I could do with learning how to make my money go further where food is concerned anyway, I was horrifically bad before and spent an absolute fortune on convenience food and top of the range brands without giving the cost a second thought. I am actually enjoying thinking about meal planning and spending as little as possible on what I am eating and spending generally. It has boosted my self-confidence a bit really, because I have realised that I am more than capable of doing what I need to do to live the life I want. Granted, it has only been a couple of months, but I’ll go with it for as long as it lasts! 

I always struggle with my mental health at New Year and try to ensure that I am around others, but this year I was actually content to spend it in my PJ's at home on my own. I had a momentary blip after a few too many vodkas but I got through it and woke up this morning without that massive dread that here I was at the start of another new year, that it was somehow a mountain that I had to scale. I woke up feeling a sense of peace actually, kind of that feeling again that things will be ok. This has NEVER happened at New Year in the whole of my adult life. Again, it may be fleeting but I'm taking things day by day and making the most of a more positive mindset. 

I don't really "do" resolutions but I have a few goals in mind for 2018 and writing my blog more often is pretty high up on that list.

I hope that your New Year was spent exactly how you wanted, and that the coming year is happy and healthy (I won't say prosperous because good health is everything and money can't buy happiness, not true happiness from within anyway). 

Take care x