Dawn.

Since you are reading this, I am still here. It is the tomorrow that I dreaded. Last night was the strangest most exhausting night. I cried myself to sleep. Woke a few times in the night to discover that I was still crying, actual tears and everything. It was as though I was a robot with no control, and each time I would sink into back a pit of exhausted sobbing sleep. My alarm woke me at 6:30am and I was still crying. My pillow was drenched through with tears. It was the strangest thing. Immediately I felt as though I had been hit by a train. My head was pounding, my eyes were stinging and I realised that cold sores had formed in my nostrils overnight (tmi, apologies).

Running through my brain was "oh no, oh no, oh no" I could hear the town waking up, cars starting to travel along the main road. Every sound was magnified and terrifying. It was morning and I still felt as lost as the night before. I daren't get out of bed, bed was safe. But Poppy needed feeding and I needed the loo. As soon as I sat on the side of the bed I started shivering. Not like when I had flu or anything like that... I actually think it was fear. I felt as though I
was freefalling and I needed something to cling onto to stop me. So I got up and fed Poppy, trying to tune into her morning purrs and chirps. The noise of the odd car outside was scaring me. How could people be outdoors at a time like this?! The very thought was almost paralysing. My ears were ringing and I felt sick.

I thought about work. I should have been getting myself ready by now. I just knew it wasn't an option today. I could barely make it into my own kitchen. It was a though I was a child again. I didn't know what to do or how to do anything for myself. I wondered if I had had a stroke or if I had even died. I didn't feel like me, I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel as though I was real. God, that sounds crazy. But it's the truth. So I tried to think what normal me would do. I reached for my phone and text my friend to ask what I needed to do about work. Ten minutes later and I had finally summoned enough courage to ring the Duty Manager to say I needed to call the doctor's surgery and go today. The DM was beyond lovely. I can't remember what I even said to her now but I know I was crying. Just what the poor woman needed at work when it wasn't even 8am yet! Argh, I am always such a burden. Took me an absolute age to get through to the surgery but I eventually got an appointment for 11:40am. Dragged myself out of the house wearing any old thing with no make up on my pink and white face. I looked a right mess. The sun was blinding. My head was so LOUD. It was all very odd. I still don't know what that was all about.

My usual GP doesn't work Wednesdays so I saw one of the other GP's. I hadn't met her before but goodness knows what she thought of me. There were tears, yet again. She asked me if I had suicide plans - no. Had I thought of ways? Yes, very often while driving in the mornings but nothing right now. Had I harmed myself? No, nothing to speak of anyway. Etc etc. She wanted to sign me off for a month but god, no I can't be off that long. I am already terrified that I have messed up my probation at work. So we compromised. I am going back  onto meds. We spoke about my fear of side effects etc but eventually I admitted that I would try them. You never know, these ones may even make me feel better. I left with a prescription for Mirtazapine and a sick note for one week. I am going back to see my own GP next week and we will take it from there.

Got home, rang work, rang Mum, then sat not really knowing what to do. Poppy jumped straight onto my lap and settled down for a sleep. Feeling her warmth and listening to her purrs brought me back into my own body I think. Does that make sense? All morning I had not felt as though I was me. At the doctors surgery it was like I was watching myself but not really listening. So so weird.

I don't know how much time passed stroking Poppy but the ringing in my ears quietened down and I gradually felt as though I was settling back into myself. I could hear birds, the men digging up the road outside my house installing Virgin Media cable - they were there earlier when I left but I couldn't actually remember hearing them at that time. And that's the truth. All I could hear were my thoughts and that god-awful ringing in my ears. Again, it's so weird, because that drill and digger were LOUD.

I thought about going outside to sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine. But I couldn't do it. So I stayed indoors all day. I have been beyond exhausted but whenever I tried to nap, thoughts would swirl and interrupt me. It is 11:36pm and I am still awake. I have brought a hot chocolate to bed so I can drink it while I type this. It feels like a treat. My head is so very heavy, my eyes are sore, puffy and red and I feel utterly drained. I hope that I get some decent sleep. It has been weeks.

I am trying very hard not to worry about work. I want to clarify that I am not in this position now because of work. I appreciate that my last post may have sounded like it, because I was massively stressing about it yesterday for reasons I can't go into here. As the Dr said earlier, if I was in a more stable headspace I would be better equipped to cope with work and I wouldn't be at this level of worrying now. But it is undeniably a stress factor in my life, as it is for anyone in a new job. I want to do well. I don't want to fuck up my probation. I need to keep my job as I have bills and a mortgage to pay on my own, and nobody's going to pay it for me. I love the people at work and feel very fortunate to have got the job, even though I don't think it is ultimately right for me. But as of today, I just can't cope with it. Too much going on for me to deal with. And I know that I realistically need to take this week to start the meds (if I can face going to get them tomorrow). The Dr said that hopefully the side effects should have diminished by the time I go back next week, so now is absolutely the best time to start taking them.

I feel frightened at the thought of going out tomorrow though. I hope I feel in a better headspace about it in the morning. Really sucks being single at times like this. Doesn't help either that I am fiercely independent because I have lovely friends and I know they would go and collect a prescription for me if I asked. But they have busy lives, and I don't want to burden them.