Darkness

Nobody reads this blog, so it's ok. I'm safe to vent.

I've been here once before. My current mindset, I mean. Constantly questioning "what's the point?"  Wondering how much longer I can continue like this before something snaps. Like last time. Except this time I can see it building. I know the signs. I know where this is leading. But what I don't know is how to stop it, because things in my life won't let me stop it. In many ways I am in a far worse place than before. My life has changed beyond recognition. When I implemented these changes it was a way out of another very bad situation. But I did it wrong. I rushed into it when I wasn't emotionally ready, because there wasn't any other option. I should have made the perpetrator of that situation pay for their actions. I may do that yet, there's still time. But that's another story. Needless to say I shouldn't have been the one to give up everything I knew. I was very let down by the people who could have - should have - stopped things reaching the point where I had to go. It shouldn't have been me leaving. It should have been the perpetrator or at least the little bitch who proved to be the catalyst. Still, blood is thicker than water. Should have remembered that.

Anyway here I am, sitting here at 7:00am on the Tuesday after the long Easter bank holiday weekend off. Sitting in tears, as is usual on a work day, because soon I will have to leave the house. Today isn't as bad as normal though, because I am working from an office closer to home. Home is my safe place, and today's office is a safe place too. I panic if I am too far from home and familiar surroundings. The pace is slower there too, I am not constantly "on" and it is quieter. I can't cope with the endless noise, the constant "on" of the other office. I am not emotionally built for constant stimulation, the constant "on" Something I realised when it was far too late. Consequently I am always battling that fight or flight feeling whenever I am "on". It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Add the commute that takes the best part of an hour each way and doing the actual on job onto that and I honestly couldn't tell you how I have survived the last six months. It isn't anyone's fault, all mine. I was naive about what I was applying for, if I had known I certainly would have stuck it out at the old place for a bit longer. And anyway, I wasn't to know that it wasn't for me until I tried it. The people are all so so lovely, very welcoming and I have made some good friends. Just the actual role is beyond stressful. For me anyway. On paper it is ok, and for plenty of others it is a fab little job, but for me I can't put into words the level of anxiety it causes me. I am made to deal with people face to face at a less hectic pace. That's all I can say really.

Tomorrow and the rest of the week I will be back to hellish levels of anxiety where I can't get off the loo, my throat feels as though It is constantly closing and all of my energy goes on not crying. Keep it together, keep it together... counting down the minutes, literally, until my next break and then finally, home. Where I spend the drive home either numb or in tears, then get into bed no more than an hour after I am home. Sometimes I get into bed immediately. It depends.

Many years ago, I used to want someone to save me. How stupid was that? People are just arseholes, especially the ones I let in, the ones who I literally gave everything to never cared about me like I thought they did. Proof is in the pudding. Dropped like a stone when they no longer needed me. No  payback either. People I love always leave in the end, one way or another. But now, there's no saving me. I can't even save myself any more. I am exhausted with trying to save myself, it never worked anyway, I know that now. It has just left me grieving for my old life and feeling angry at those who drove me out.

I am fed up of feeling trapped. I feel totally and utterly trapped in every which way. Trapped by work, trapped by my body, trapped by life. I need to escape NOW. I can't wait for things to get better. I am fed up of people telling me to hang on in there because things will get better. I have waited almost 6 months for things to get better, and it bloody isn't getting better. Everything is getting worse, not better, not easier. I am getting worse. I need to reduce my hours desperately and not work a Wednesday (joint decision between my GP & I) but if I do that then I am stuck because i will be so much out of pocket because of the cost of petrol to get to work. It won't be worth it. I am already worse off financially because I have now lost my Tax Credits because this job is better paid, only the fuel cost to get there has taken up all of the extra salary, and then some. I am spending a huge amount on the Lotto every week, because it gives me some hope of an escape. But that's a mugs game isn't it. The only hope I have though of getting away from everything, so I take that hope.

I think I am fast becoming not very well again emotionally. I mean, it isn't normal to think about purposefully taking your car off the road on the way to work is it, just to escape everything. The only thing that stops me is not wanting to inconvenience anyone else just because I feel like shit. I just want to slip away somewhere quietly without anyone knowing. Knowing that I have that last resort option in the back of my mind keeps me going, somewhat. It is an escape plan after all, if all else fails. I don't want to die, because of those left behind who might miss me, like my parents and my sister who is my world. But I don't want to live in this headspace any more. I don't have anything to live for, only Poppy cat, but she would be looked after and loved I am sure, she is adorable. No children, no partner. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I should have those things. But those good things happen to other people, not to someone like me. I am not loveable and certainly not a catch for anyone so I guess it figures. Who would want to be saddled with someone like me?

I sound crazy. But don't they say that you wouldn't know if you are emotionally ill if you were? So does that mean I am ok after all? If I am ok, why am I constantly feeling close to tears, moods up and down like a yo-yo, wanting to stay home and thinking about not being here any more? That can't be ok? I don't even know any more. I can't remember the last time I felt calm, happy and not feeling as though I am hanging onto life by the thinnest thread.

I am so so so tired of putting a brave face on, seemingly getting on with things. Smiling and making lighthearted chatter when inside I just want to cry and go home wherever I am. I am so tired of feeling exhausted and in pain every fucking day. Having fibromyalgia  is shit. Having cerebral palsy is shit. Having BPD, anxiety and depression is shit. Try having the lot of them all together and see how you feel! I am tired of being told that I am a high functioning BPD patient, here's some DBT worksheets, now run along and complete them yourself, make yourself better... nobody takes me seriously when I say I am this close to giving up, they don't see me now sobbing, they don't see me almost every day sobbing driving to work (I say almost every day because I sometimes car share, then conversation distracts me somewhat), they don't know that I stopped wearing makeup to work because I keep crying, and my makeup is too expensive to be cried off before I even get to where I am going. I have medication that I am supposed to take, only I am scared to because of the side effects, remembering all too well what Citalopram did to me. Just the scary thing is that my mind is back there now, this time without medication fucking it up. This time it's my head fucking up. And I am not scared of just those side effects, but also the mind fog. I struggle with remembering everything as it is!!! My brain is so oversaturated with info that there's no room for leeway, not with what I have to do all day. It's all go, go, go. Be on the ball, recall info just like that. And then there's the weight gain side effects and with my background that's not good either... I don't know what to do. As I said, I'm trapped.

I am trapped and I want to run, so desperately. I want a crystal ball. I want someone to tell me that everything will be ok, I want to know that everything will be ok. Except it won't be ok, and I just can't carry on like this. I don't want tomorrow to come.