One of the things that came out of my New Year Episode was that we (the royal "we" being my GP, psychiatrist and I) realised and agreed that my antidepressants have slowly but surely been making me worse. Much worse. I was prescribed them years ago, back when the catalogue of my years of messed up thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions was simply diagnosed as severe depression. Since then, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and as I said, it has become clear that Citalopram has NOT been my friend.
I have now been off my antidepressants for exactly a month. 2016, so far, has been damn hard.
The very rapid withdrawal from my antidepressants has been HORRENDOUS physically and emotionally.
Physically... I've had nightmares, debilitating nausea, dizziness, sweats, and worst of all, what I can only describe as "brain zaps". It feels as though your brain is being electric shocked... kind of like when you've had one vodka too many and it takes your vision a few seconds to catch up when you turn your head, but with this, ZAP! your vision moves in and out, your thoughts are jumbled and you feel generally disorientated. Actually, I would say that the brain zaps have been the worst part, and they continue to this day, although much less frequently. They are fading in intensity too, so there's a positive.
Emotionally... A month down the line and I am beginning to realise just how ****** up I have been due to Citalopram fog. Now that the fog is beginning to lift, I am aware that I have been walking around and functioning in a zombie-like state for years. Comfortably numb, but at the same time feeling all of these emotions bubbling away under the surface and not quite knowing what to do with them.
Don't even ask me how I have kept my job, because I have no idea.
Now, I am beginning to be aware of thoughts and feelings, and they are powerful and raw. I suppose they are real, no longer concealed below a window that I could see them through but couldn't quite open to let out, at least in a way that wasn't self-destructive.
I was speaking about this to my GP last week, because it is quite frightening, Again, all of these real emotions and what do I DO about them? How do I start to process and work through them with a clear(ish) mind? It was bad enough coping with the safety net of the Fog, but now I just feel as though I am free-falling.
I'm angry at everything and everyone. I crave company, but then people annoy me and I just want to be alone again. But I don't really, because then the self-destructive thoughts start and I can't tell them to shut up. I can't make myself feel better. I never have been able to.
These last couple of weeks, I have been weepy and scared. My appetite is insatiable. I am constantly hungry, which is very unusual for me, and with that comes my fear of gaining weight, when I have tried so hard not to.
But mostly I am angry. Inwardly angry, I feel misunderstood, and that pisses me off. I feel judged, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to explain some of the choices that I make, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to justify myself to people, and that pisses me off. I feel as though people just want me for their own inconvenience, and that pisses me off. Basically everyone and everything pisses me off. SO MUCH ANGER.
I don't know who I am any more. I don't know if my thoughts are valid. I not the person I was before my mental illness took hold, and for so many years I have been hidden beneath Citalopram Fog, I feel like a teenager again, trying to work out who I am and what my role is in the world. It was bad enough being a teenager the first time around, and I don't like feeling like one now. No thanks.
I hope this passes. Outwardly I am me as I always have been, smiling, making conversation... inwardly I am a horrible arsehole. What if that horrible person is who I am now?!
We have been talking about me starting on a drug called Mirtazapine, but for the moment I want to see how I get on living and feeling "in the present", without meds. It's difficult, but I'm not drowning in my thoughts and emotions at the moment.
The Mental Health team have been supplying me with DBT booklets and worksheets to complete, because I am "high functioning" and they feel that I will be able to work through them myself. There is a very long waiting list for group therapy, I am finding them quite difficult to be honest, and can't envisage ever grasping "mindfulness". But I am giving them a good go. I hope to look back on this post in a month or two and feel very differently about everything,
I'm taking it day by day.
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