BPD Awareness Month... let's stop the stigma!

In November 2014, after many years of struggling with my mental health, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, soon to be re-named Emotional Intensity Disorder because of the stigma attached to a "Personality Disorder")

BPD isn't as scary as it sounds, it just means that I and others with BPD are emotionally fragile and we wear our hearts and emotions on our sleeves. For me, the ugly truth is that I have no self esteem and constantly wonder why people like me, why people want to be friends with me, whether I'm generally good enough at life. I can take things personally and catastrophise the smallest thing into something that ends up really upsetting me. In short, I am not always the easiest person to be around.

When I was first diagnosed with BPD I searched for support groups on Facebook. I had never heard of BPD before and needed to talk about it and come to terms with it with people who were going through the same thing.

I found a tiny, tiny group and those amazing, beautiful, brave people from all corners of the globe took me under their wing and gave me the most amazing help and support when I needed it most, and for that I shall always be grateful. I now consider these people to be my extended family, even though we've never physically met.  

I then told a few very close friends about my BPD before I told my close family. My friends were amazing about it, just as I knew they would be, I gave them links to read in case they wanted further information but aside from that they just accepted it as part of me and its never been brought up in conversation since. That's not to say that they wouldn't be there if I needed them, because they would without exception. But its just not necessary to address it, because it's not an issue. 

My Mum and Dad didn't really say much when I told them, as in literally didn't say much. It was pretty awkward to be honest. I don't think they knew what to say. I gave my Dad a pamphlet to read that I had downloaded and printed from MIND's website - please follow the link if you would like to find out more -  and I lent my Mum my copy of The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need To Know About Living With BPD. Dad seemed quite taken aback when he read the booklet, but neither of them have mentioned it since and I don't know whether Mum has read the book. To be fair to them we have never discussed anything as a family, and I know that neither of them are comfortable discussing things like this.

I had to tell my bosses at work because I went through a bad crisis in the autumn and it was obvious that I was very unwell. I am grateful and fortunate that they have been very understanding.

In addition to BPD, I also have depression and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). I was diagnosed with GAD at the age of 14, when I was first referred to a child psycologist. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 24 although I know that I had suffered with it for years before my official diagnosis.

I have been seeing a counsellor since 2010 and have been receiving DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) since the beginning of this year. I'm taking anti-depressants and the good news is that BPD can be managed. I'm learning how, and I'm getting there.

This describes living with BPD so accurately!:

I hope that this post can help at least one of you. If you are experiencing similar mental health issues, I want you to know that it's ok to be you, just the way you are. It's ok to struggle if you're having a bad day - sadly it's all part of it. 

But most importantly, if you feel that you aren't coping and/or are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, PLEASE see your GP for help or speak to someone that you trust. It's ok to let people know what you're going through. 

Let your friends know how you are feeling. If they are true friends they will want to know. They will want to be there for you and they won't judge you.

If you feel that you can't speak to someone you know, The Samaritans are at the end of the phone 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. Please give them a call on 08457 90 90 90.

Don't be afraid to discuss mental health because the biggest killer is silence, shame and embarrassment rather than the actual condition. I find it so sad that in 2015 there still seems to be some degree of stigma and prejudice asssociated to mental health and it doesn't and shouldn't need to be this way. Let's Stop The Stigma together!

And remember, be proud to be you. Things WILL get better xx

Books waiting to be read...

My kindle is always either in my handbag or on my bedside table, and it's been used almost daily since I bought it around three years ago. While I love my kindle and credit it for getting me over an extended reading slump, I've missed reading "real books". One of my main reasons for purchasing a kindle was to reduce the amount of books that were taking up space that I didn't really have.

But late last year I gave my living room a complete makeover and I now have more than enough space for lots of lovely books. (I won't go too mad though!)

So for 2015 I've decided to cut down on downloading e-books and pick up some books that have either been purchased by me and have sat gathering dust (literally), books that have been bought for me or books that I've borrowed from friends.

Kane and Abel by Jeffrey Archer
I've borrowed this book from my friend John. I've probably had it for around six months and have stopped and started reading it a couple of times so I really should finish it so I can give it back to him! John did a really good sell on why I should read this, and as you can see from the condition it's one of his all-time favourites. Apparently he reads it at least twice a year, every year, and I'm really curious as to whether I'll love it as much.

Eeny Meeny by M.J. Arlidge
This book was a Christmas present from my friend Helen. A quick scan of the back cover tells me that it's a bit of a crime-thriller, which isn't my usual genre (I'm normally a fan of non-fiction, chick lit and YA) but it sounds as though it will be an intriguing read and it'll do me good to read something a bit different.

Bonkers by Jennifer Saunders
This book was also a present, this time from my friend Lou. I can't think of Jennifer Saunders without thinking of her TV partner-in-crime Dawn French, and her book "Dear Fatty" made me laugh out loud several times. I love autobiographies and am sure that this will be a great read.

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
I'm probably one of the last people on the planet to read this (and I haven't seen the movie yet either, because I'm one of those people who likes to read the book first!). I'm going to read this one soon because its annoying me that I haven't yet got around to picking it up.

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
This YA book originally popped up as recommendation on Amazon and I ended up spotting it in a local charity shop for £1.50. The best part was getting home and finding a note amongst the pages from the previous owner/reader. What a fab idea!

The honesty of this really made me smile. I'm going to put little reviews in books that I take to the charity shop from now on!

Have you read any of these books? I'd love to know what you thought if you have. I'm always open to book recommendations too, so feel free to comment if you've read something that you think I'd like!

Wise Words Wednesday...

Source

Disability Diaries - AFO's 101: Are you standing comfortably?

Comfort - initial thoughts
Putting your feet and legs into rigid plastic cases, no matter how pretty the design is or how well padded they are, is never going to be an entirely pleasurable experience.

You're probably going to have your feet placed in a different position to your usual, and the nature of AFO's will mean that you will have to learn how to walk in a slightly different way. It's all very strange and not something that is easy to explain unless you've worn AFO's yourself.

The orthotics team at my hospital are fantastic and check everything over and over to ensure that my AFO's are as comfortable as possible but like me, you'll probably find that your AFO's will rub, dig in or leave red marks at first, because they're new to your legs and it's all a bit of an alien experience.

You will probably be asked to attend a further orthotics appointment a few weeks after you receive your AFO's so that they can be checked again and adjusted if necessary. I had to have them lowered at the top of my calfs because they were too tall and pinched the back of my knees when I climbed stairs or sat down. I was also given Velcro strips to stop the knee pads from dropping down and bruising my shins.

You also need to remember that AFO's may be pretty heavy, which makes walking a bit more of a challenge. My AFO's weigh almost 1kg apiece (and I can tell), so I suppose you could say that I'm walking whilst wearing leg weights!

Comfort - now
At the moment my AFO's are pretty painful because I've lost a lot of weight since they were made. Despite wearing long socks and leggings, I can't fasten the Velcro straps tight enough to stop my legs from slipping, and they're very loose on my ankles even though I had additional padding added at hospital a few weeks ago. Because my AFO's are heavy, the momentum of walking means that they're rubbing a fair bit which causes blisters. Not pleasant, but I'm having new AFO's made (I can't wait to get rid of the blue colour!) so these problems will soon be a thing of the past.