In November 2014, after many years of struggling with my mental health, I was diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder, soon to be re-named Emotional Intensity Disorder because of the stigma attached to a "Personality Disorder")
BPD isn't as scary as it sounds, it just means that I and others with BPD are emotionally fragile and we wear our hearts and emotions on our sleeves. For me, the ugly truth is that I have no self esteem and constantly wonder why people like me, why people want to be friends with me, whether I'm generally good enough at life. I can take things personally and catastrophise the smallest thing into something that ends up really upsetting me. In short, I am not always the easiest person to be around.
When I was first diagnosed with BPD I searched for support groups on Facebook. I had never heard of BPD before and needed to talk about it and come to terms with it with people who were going through the same thing.
I found a tiny, tiny group and those amazing, beautiful, brave people from all corners of the globe took me under their wing and gave me the most amazing help and support when I needed it most, and for that I shall always be grateful. I now consider these people to be my extended family, even though we've never physically met.
I then told a few very close friends about my BPD before I told my close family. My friends were amazing about it, just as I knew they would be, I gave them links to read in case they wanted further information but aside from that they just accepted it as part of me and its never been brought up in conversation since. That's not to say that they wouldn't be there if I needed them, because they would without exception. But its just not necessary to address it, because it's not an issue.
My Mum and Dad didn't really say much when I told them, as in literally didn't say much. It was pretty awkward to be honest. I don't think they knew what to say. I gave my Dad a pamphlet to read that I had downloaded and printed from MIND's website - please follow the link if you would like to find out more - and I lent my Mum my copy of The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need To Know About Living With BPD. Dad seemed quite taken aback when he read the booklet, but neither of them have mentioned it since and I don't know whether Mum has read the book. To be fair to them we have never discussed anything as a family, and I know that neither of them are comfortable discussing things like this.
I had to tell my bosses at work because I went through a bad crisis in the autumn and it was obvious that I was very unwell. I am grateful and fortunate that they have been very understanding.
In addition to BPD, I also have depression and GAD (General Anxiety Disorder). I was diagnosed with GAD at the age of 14, when I was first referred to a child psycologist. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 24 although I know that I had suffered with it for years before my official diagnosis.
I have been seeing a counsellor since 2010 and have been receiving DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) since the beginning of this year. I'm taking anti-depressants and the good news is that BPD can be managed. I'm learning how, and I'm getting there.
This describes living with BPD so accurately!:
I hope that this post can help at least one of you. If you are experiencing similar mental health issues, I want you to know that it's ok to be you, just the way you are. It's ok to struggle if you're having a bad day - sadly it's all part of it.
But most importantly, if you feel that you aren't coping and/or are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, PLEASE see your GP for help or speak to someone that you trust. It's ok to let people know what you're going through.
Let your friends know how you are feeling. If they are true friends they will want to know. They will want to be there for you and they won't judge you.
If you feel that you can't speak to someone you know, The Samaritans are at the end of the phone 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. Please give them a call on 08457 90 90 90.
Don't be afraid to discuss mental health because the biggest killer is silence, shame and embarrassment rather than the actual condition. I find it so sad that in 2015 there still seems to be some degree of stigma and prejudice asssociated to mental health and it doesn't and shouldn't need to be this way. Let's Stop The Stigma together!
And remember, be proud to be you. Things WILL get better xx
