As I mentioned in my last post, I started coming off my antidepressant, Mirtazapine, on 26th December 2017. I will admit to feeling anxious about it as my mental health has improved so much since I started taking it - I actually feel the happiest I have felt in years. But I could not cope with the weight gain that has been Mirtazapine's gift, and it has been making me feel miserable. None of my old clothes fit and I cannot afford to size up in clothing every other month. I have also found it increasingly difficult to move around, and having Cerebral Palsy means that realistically I need to keep my weight down to reduce any additional strain on my joints, and to allow my body and physiotherapy to work to its best potential. A big downside is that my custom made AFO's do not fit as well as they should any more because my calves and ankles are bigger, so they are very uncomfortable to wear.
At the time of writing it has been a week since I started to reduce my dose, so how has it been?
Appetite
Since weight gain was my prompt to speak to my GP about coming off Mirtazapine, so far I have actually noticed a slight improvement to the raging hunger that has dominated my life for the past eight months. I am still hungry all the time, but I would say that the edge has been taken off. I don't feel that awful emptiness any more which made me need to eat NOW, and I haven't woken up in the night to eat. This didn't happen every night before though, so it's not really noteworthy.
Mood
I am mostly still feeling in a really positive, happy mindset about the coming year, so no big changes there. All good! I am currently really poorly with a fluey-type virus so am feeling down about feeling sick. I have also injured my wrist and am in pain, frustrated and upset because its my right wrist and I am right-handed. But that's totally normal because nobody likes being in pain or feeling ill. However I have been having bad dreams (see below) that have been upsetting me a bit.
Sleep
Here is where I am noticing some changes, and they aren't pleasant ones. Since taking Mirtazapine, my sleep has improved dramatically. I have been going to sleep around 45 mins - 1 hour after taking it, and have been mostly sleeping through the night. The only downside has been that it keeps me asleep so I have found it a real challenge to wake up early and get out of bed. But honestly, that has always been an issue haha!
A few days after reducing the dose it started taking me longer to fall asleep, and I was back in the familiar zone of reading, light off, toss and turn, light on, read my book etc etc. I do eventually drop off to sleep and it probably doesn't take me as long to sleep as it feels like, but still a change from falling asleep almost the second after I switch off the light.
I have also been having some very unpleasant, very realistic dreams where people I know and love are standing in front of me and telling me that I am useless at my job, fat, hideously unattractive, will never get married or have children, that I am not worthy of being happy... basically all the things that torment my innermost private thoughts. The people in my dreams are literally standing in front of me reeling off a long list of all of the things that are "wrong" with me and laughing in my face and coming back at me with more of the same when I try to defend myself.
The dreams are so vivid that I wake up really upset and wondering if it really happened, and I can't shake them off so I start to feel upset.
Weight
No change yet, but I am still eating Christmas chocolates etc like there is no tomorrow. Clothes are no looser, for the same reason! AFO's are still tight and uncomfortable. I have decided that I am going to have to go back to Slimming World. I joined a couple of years ago and did really well, so I am hoping that it will work its magic now that I have more to lose this time. I am going to join online this time around, as I am now at work when my old group meets.
Thoughts
No racing thoughts, although some demons are popping to the surface following lots of bad dreams. They have really tested me because I am having to chase away intrusive, self destructive thoughts. So far I am managing to do this by telling myself that they are only dreams, but I really do hope that these don't continue because it's horrible.
Here's to the next 7 days being easier!
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