As I mentioned in my last post, I started coming off my antidepressant, Mirtazapine, on 26th December 2017. I will admit to feeling anxious about it as my mental health has improved so much since I started taking it - I actually feel the happiest I have felt in years. But I could not cope with the weight gain that has been Mirtazapine's gift, and it has been making me feel miserable. None of my old clothes fit and I cannot afford to size up in clothing every other month. I have also found it increasingly difficult to move around, and having Cerebral Palsy means that realistically I need to keep my weight down to reduce any additional strain on my joints, and to allow my body and physiotherapy to work to its best potential. A big downside is that my custom made AFO's do not fit as well as they should any more because my calves and ankles are bigger, so they are very uncomfortable to wear.
At the time of writing it has been a week since I started to reduce my dose, so how has it been?
Appetite
Since weight gain was my prompt to speak to my GP about coming off Mirtazapine, so far I have actually noticed a slight improvement to the raging hunger that has dominated my life for the past eight months. I am still hungry all the time, but I would say that the edge has been taken off. I don't feel that awful emptiness any more which made me need to eat NOW, and I haven't woken up in the night to eat. This didn't happen every night before though, so it's not really noteworthy.
Mood
I am mostly still feeling in a really positive, happy mindset about the coming year, so no big changes there. All good! I am currently really poorly with a fluey-type virus so am feeling down about feeling sick. I have also injured my wrist and am in pain, frustrated and upset because its my right wrist and I am right-handed. But that's totally normal because nobody likes being in pain or feeling ill. However I have been having bad dreams (see below) that have been upsetting me a bit.
Sleep
Here is where I am noticing some changes, and they aren't pleasant ones. Since taking Mirtazapine, my sleep has improved dramatically. I have been going to sleep around 45 mins - 1 hour after taking it, and have been mostly sleeping through the night. The only downside has been that it keeps me asleep so I have found it a real challenge to wake up early and get out of bed. But honestly, that has always been an issue haha!
A few days after reducing the dose it started taking me longer to fall asleep, and I was back in the familiar zone of reading, light off, toss and turn, light on, read my book etc etc. I do eventually drop off to sleep and it probably doesn't take me as long to sleep as it feels like, but still a change from falling asleep almost the second after I switch off the light.
I have also been having some very unpleasant, very realistic dreams where people I know and love are standing in front of me and telling me that I am useless at my job, fat, hideously unattractive, will never get married or have children, that I am not worthy of being happy... basically all the things that torment my innermost private thoughts. The people in my dreams are literally standing in front of me reeling off a long list of all of the things that are "wrong" with me and laughing in my face and coming back at me with more of the same when I try to defend myself.
The dreams are so vivid that I wake up really upset and wondering if it really happened, and I can't shake them off so I start to feel upset.
Weight
No change yet, but I am still eating Christmas chocolates etc like there is no tomorrow. Clothes are no looser, for the same reason! AFO's are still tight and uncomfortable. I have decided that I am going to have to go back to Slimming World. I joined a couple of years ago and did really well, so I am hoping that it will work its magic now that I have more to lose this time. I am going to join online this time around, as I am now at work when my old group meets.
Thoughts
No racing thoughts, although some demons are popping to the surface following lots of bad dreams. They have really tested me because I am having to chase away intrusive, self destructive thoughts. So far I am managing to do this by telling myself that they are only dreams, but I really do hope that these don't continue because it's horrible.
Here's to the next 7 days being easier!
Showing posts with label orthotics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orthotics. Show all posts
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Disability Diaries - AFO's 101: Are you standing comfortably?
Comfort - initial thoughts
Putting your feet and legs into rigid plastic cases, no matter how pretty the design is or how well padded they are, is never going to be an entirely pleasurable experience.
You're probably going to have your feet placed in a different position to your usual, and the nature of AFO's will mean that you will have to learn how to walk in a slightly different way. It's all very strange and not something that is easy to explain unless you've worn AFO's yourself.
The orthotics team at my hospital are fantastic and check everything over and over to ensure that my AFO's are as comfortable as possible but like me, you'll probably find that your AFO's will rub, dig in or leave red marks at first, because they're new to your legs and it's all a bit of an alien experience.
You will probably be asked to attend a further orthotics appointment a few weeks after you receive your AFO's so that they can be checked again and adjusted if necessary. I had to have them lowered at the top of my calfs because they were too tall and pinched the back of my knees when I climbed stairs or sat down. I was also given Velcro strips to stop the knee pads from dropping down and bruising my shins.
You also need to remember that AFO's may be pretty heavy, which makes walking a bit more of a challenge. My AFO's weigh almost 1kg apiece (and I can tell), so I suppose you could say that I'm walking whilst wearing leg weights!
Comfort - now
At the moment my AFO's are pretty painful because I've lost a lot of weight since they were made. Despite wearing long socks and leggings, I can't fasten the Velcro straps tight enough to stop my legs from slipping, and they're very loose on my ankles even though I had additional padding added at hospital a few weeks ago. Because my AFO's are heavy, the momentum of walking means that they're rubbing a fair bit which causes blisters. Not pleasant, but I'm having new AFO's made (I can't wait to get rid of the blue colour!) so these problems will soon be a thing of the past.
Putting your feet and legs into rigid plastic cases, no matter how pretty the design is or how well padded they are, is never going to be an entirely pleasurable experience.
You're probably going to have your feet placed in a different position to your usual, and the nature of AFO's will mean that you will have to learn how to walk in a slightly different way. It's all very strange and not something that is easy to explain unless you've worn AFO's yourself.
The orthotics team at my hospital are fantastic and check everything over and over to ensure that my AFO's are as comfortable as possible but like me, you'll probably find that your AFO's will rub, dig in or leave red marks at first, because they're new to your legs and it's all a bit of an alien experience.
You will probably be asked to attend a further orthotics appointment a few weeks after you receive your AFO's so that they can be checked again and adjusted if necessary. I had to have them lowered at the top of my calfs because they were too tall and pinched the back of my knees when I climbed stairs or sat down. I was also given Velcro strips to stop the knee pads from dropping down and bruising my shins.
You also need to remember that AFO's may be pretty heavy, which makes walking a bit more of a challenge. My AFO's weigh almost 1kg apiece (and I can tell), so I suppose you could say that I'm walking whilst wearing leg weights!
Comfort - now
At the moment my AFO's are pretty painful because I've lost a lot of weight since they were made. Despite wearing long socks and leggings, I can't fasten the Velcro straps tight enough to stop my legs from slipping, and they're very loose on my ankles even though I had additional padding added at hospital a few weeks ago. Because my AFO's are heavy, the momentum of walking means that they're rubbing a fair bit which causes blisters. Not pleasant, but I'm having new AFO's made (I can't wait to get rid of the blue colour!) so these problems will soon be a thing of the past.
Thursday, 11 September 2014
Disability Diaries - The Lt. Dan Legs (My AFO's)
It's about time that I introduced you to my AFO's (Ankle Foot Orthisis), hereafter known as the "Lieutenant Dan Legs" as they were immediately christened by my friend JP.
Strictly speaking, they should be Forrest Gump legs but Lt. Dan legs just stuck and so that's what we call them.
Firstly, you can't escape the fact that they're blue. Very blue. That was a biiiig mistake right there.
If you ever need AFO's and are given a card of designs to choose from, make sure that you ask the orthotics specialist what they are likely to look like once you receive them. The inch square picture that I based my colour/design decision on looked like inconspicuous pale pink and blue hearts on a cream background. You can imagine my shock and surprise when the finished products were carried into the room weeks later and they were THIS colour.
I have honestly regretted my style/cover choice ever since I got my AFO's. I might have felt differently and rocked the blue hearts with pride if I had some self confidence, but self confidence isn't plentiful at all and blue AFO's are very difficult to camouflage unless you want to live in baggy trousers, which I don't.
I'm more of a skinny jeans/leggings kind of girl, and although I wear my AFO's over leggings at work in the office, I still haven't ventured out in public in them unless they're covered up.
Needless to say, my next AFO's will be black! I should have just gone crazy and asked for the kids crocodile print! (98% of the patterns on offer were aimed at children. I don't know whether this varies between different NHS Trusts and countries but this was the case for me)
Just so you know:
You probably won't be able to walk properly in them straight away.
When I wore my AFO's for the first time, it took me at least ten minutes just to be able to stand up and find my balance (and this was with two peopleholding me up supporting me!)
I found that initial standing up experience really frightening actually. If I had to try and describe it, I'd ask you to imagine that you were wearing 3in heels for the first time whilst feeling very drunk, and that feeling that I presume you get when you first stand up in them and work out your new centre of gravity.
Only I didn't really have a centre of gravity at that time, because I'd done so much work in physio to learn how to stand up "properly" as opposed to my skewed normality and so my centre of gravity was all over the place to put it mildly.
So not only was I wearing 3in heels for the first time, but I was strapped tightly into these bright blue hard plastic cases from foot to knee with literally NO room for movement. I couldn't move my foot or ankle, my knees were being held back by pads and I felt as though I didn't know which way was upright. Akin to being very drunk balance-wise but without feeling relaxed or laughing your way through it.
I felt as though I was going to fall backwards if I tipped my centre of gravity back as per my physio sessions had taught me, so I automatically reverted to my "normal" and tried to shift my centre of gravity forwards. Another mistake because I nearly ended up flat on my face. I had to trust Debbie, the lovely orthotist, as she reassured me and taught me how to balance. I couldn't even raise my head to look up from the floor at first.
I remember saying to Debbie that I'd never even worn heels before so how on earth would I be able to walk in these?! For a good couple of minutes I thought that these people were barking mad for giving me these things to walk in, and I highly doubted that they would do me any good at all.
But once I realised which way was upright, everything became much less scary and I was led over to the walking bars to learn how to walk in the AFO's. Walking was much easier than standing still and I was soon walking back and forth (turning round was a problem at first though, even with bars on each side of me for support!)
I'd say that it took me a good few weeks to get used to wearing my AFO's, and for comfort and stability it's really important to follow doctors orders and get used to them gradually.
Strictly speaking, they should be Forrest Gump legs but Lt. Dan legs just stuck and so that's what we call them.
Firstly, you can't escape the fact that they're blue. Very blue. That was a biiiig mistake right there.
If you ever need AFO's and are given a card of designs to choose from, make sure that you ask the orthotics specialist what they are likely to look like once you receive them. The inch square picture that I based my colour/design decision on looked like inconspicuous pale pink and blue hearts on a cream background. You can imagine my shock and surprise when the finished products were carried into the room weeks later and they were THIS colour.
I have honestly regretted my style/cover choice ever since I got my AFO's. I might have felt differently and rocked the blue hearts with pride if I had some self confidence, but self confidence isn't plentiful at all and blue AFO's are very difficult to camouflage unless you want to live in baggy trousers, which I don't.
I'm more of a skinny jeans/leggings kind of girl, and although I wear my AFO's over leggings at work in the office, I still haven't ventured out in public in them unless they're covered up.
Needless to say, my next AFO's will be black! I should have just gone crazy and asked for the kids crocodile print! (98% of the patterns on offer were aimed at children. I don't know whether this varies between different NHS Trusts and countries but this was the case for me)
Just so you know:
You probably won't be able to walk properly in them straight away.
When I wore my AFO's for the first time, it took me at least ten minutes just to be able to stand up and find my balance (and this was with two people
I found that initial standing up experience really frightening actually. If I had to try and describe it, I'd ask you to imagine that you were wearing 3in heels for the first time whilst feeling very drunk, and that feeling that I presume you get when you first stand up in them and work out your new centre of gravity.
Only I didn't really have a centre of gravity at that time, because I'd done so much work in physio to learn how to stand up "properly" as opposed to my skewed normality and so my centre of gravity was all over the place to put it mildly.
So not only was I wearing 3in heels for the first time, but I was strapped tightly into these bright blue hard plastic cases from foot to knee with literally NO room for movement. I couldn't move my foot or ankle, my knees were being held back by pads and I felt as though I didn't know which way was upright. Akin to being very drunk balance-wise but without feeling relaxed or laughing your way through it.
I felt as though I was going to fall backwards if I tipped my centre of gravity back as per my physio sessions had taught me, so I automatically reverted to my "normal" and tried to shift my centre of gravity forwards. Another mistake because I nearly ended up flat on my face. I had to trust Debbie, the lovely orthotist, as she reassured me and taught me how to balance. I couldn't even raise my head to look up from the floor at first.
I remember saying to Debbie that I'd never even worn heels before so how on earth would I be able to walk in these?! For a good couple of minutes I thought that these people were barking mad for giving me these things to walk in, and I highly doubted that they would do me any good at all.
But once I realised which way was upright, everything became much less scary and I was led over to the walking bars to learn how to walk in the AFO's. Walking was much easier than standing still and I was soon walking back and forth (turning round was a problem at first though, even with bars on each side of me for support!)
I'd say that it took me a good few weeks to get used to wearing my AFO's, and for comfort and stability it's really important to follow doctors orders and get used to them gradually.