As I mentioned in my last post, I started coming off my antidepressant, Mirtazapine, on 26th December 2017. I will admit to feeling anxious about it as my mental health has improved so much since I started taking it - I actually feel the happiest I have felt in years. But I could not cope with the weight gain that has been Mirtazapine's gift, and it has been making me feel miserable. None of my old clothes fit and I cannot afford to size up in clothing every other month. I have also found it increasingly difficult to move around, and having Cerebral Palsy means that realistically I need to keep my weight down to reduce any additional strain on my joints, and to allow my body and physiotherapy to work to its best potential. A big downside is that my custom made AFO's do not fit as well as they should any more because my calves and ankles are bigger, so they are very uncomfortable to wear.
At the time of writing it has been a week since I started to reduce my dose, so how has it been?
Appetite
Since weight gain was my prompt to speak to my GP about coming off Mirtazapine, so far I have actually noticed a slight improvement to the raging hunger that has dominated my life for the past eight months. I am still hungry all the time, but I would say that the edge has been taken off. I don't feel that awful emptiness any more which made me need to eat NOW, and I haven't woken up in the night to eat. This didn't happen every night before though, so it's not really noteworthy.
Mood
I am mostly still feeling in a really positive, happy mindset about the coming year, so no big changes there. All good! I am currently really poorly with a fluey-type virus so am feeling down about feeling sick. I have also injured my wrist and am in pain, frustrated and upset because its my right wrist and I am right-handed. But that's totally normal because nobody likes being in pain or feeling ill. However I have been having bad dreams (see below) that have been upsetting me a bit.
Sleep
Here is where I am noticing some changes, and they aren't pleasant ones. Since taking Mirtazapine, my sleep has improved dramatically. I have been going to sleep around 45 mins - 1 hour after taking it, and have been mostly sleeping through the night. The only downside has been that it keeps me asleep so I have found it a real challenge to wake up early and get out of bed. But honestly, that has always been an issue haha!
A few days after reducing the dose it started taking me longer to fall asleep, and I was back in the familiar zone of reading, light off, toss and turn, light on, read my book etc etc. I do eventually drop off to sleep and it probably doesn't take me as long to sleep as it feels like, but still a change from falling asleep almost the second after I switch off the light.
I have also been having some very unpleasant, very realistic dreams where people I know and love are standing in front of me and telling me that I am useless at my job, fat, hideously unattractive, will never get married or have children, that I am not worthy of being happy... basically all the things that torment my innermost private thoughts. The people in my dreams are literally standing in front of me reeling off a long list of all of the things that are "wrong" with me and laughing in my face and coming back at me with more of the same when I try to defend myself.
The dreams are so vivid that I wake up really upset and wondering if it really happened, and I can't shake them off so I start to feel upset.
Weight
No change yet, but I am still eating Christmas chocolates etc like there is no tomorrow. Clothes are no looser, for the same reason! AFO's are still tight and uncomfortable. I have decided that I am going to have to go back to Slimming World. I joined a couple of years ago and did really well, so I am hoping that it will work its magic now that I have more to lose this time. I am going to join online this time around, as I am now at work when my old group meets.
Thoughts
No racing thoughts, although some demons are popping to the surface following lots of bad dreams. They have really tested me because I am having to chase away intrusive, self destructive thoughts. So far I am managing to do this by telling myself that they are only dreams, but I really do hope that these don't continue because it's horrible.
Here's to the next 7 days being easier!
Sunday, 14 January 2018
Thursday, 11 January 2018
Bye bye Mirtazapine! I'm coming off my antidepressant!
Another mental health breakthrough: I am currently tapering off Mirtazapine, the antidepressant that I have been prescribed since April 2017, when I had my last big mental health crash.
First of all, I credit Mirtazapine for saving my life at a time when I was
very suicidal. It calmed down my racing thoughts, my harmful thoughts, my
irrational thoughts. It helped me to sleep after many months of insomnia and it
made me start to see through the blackness that had enveloped me in an unrelenting grip of despair. I don't know
where I would be now if I hadn't have started to take it.
When I was prescribed Mirtazapine in April 2017, I was a UK size
8-10 and weighed 9st 7lbs. Today, eight months later in January 2018, I am a UK
size 14-16 - mostly a 16 to be fair, I am absolutely squeezing into a 14 - and weigh 12st 8lbs (post Christmas, but still!!!). Holy shit, do I
eat while I’m taking this! My appetite has been insatiable, honestly.
Pre-Mirtazapine, if I fancied chocolate I would happily just have one square
and put the rest of the bar in the cupboard for another day. Christmas
chocolates would still be around at Easter. I ate Easter eggs so slowly that I
would still have some left when August Bank Holiday came around. You get the picture,
I was generally a season behind everyone else when it came to food. And I’d
think nothing of it, because I’d always been the same, My friends and family
would often comment on how they didn’t understand how I could eat things like
that as they would devour a whole bar of chocolate in one sitting and couldn’t
leave chocolate in the house and not eat it. To me, that was unimaginable and I
genuinely didn’t understand how they could eat things like that.
Now, oh I get it completely. Mirtazapine hunger has often woken me
up in the middle of the night and seen me raid the cupboards at 3:30pm and then
still take a packet of crisps back to bed. I have felt hunger like never
before, to the point where I feel totally empty and physically ill if I can’t
eat something substantial NOW. It has made me eat breakfast – which I was never
able to do before, because I simply wasn’t hungry when I woke up. And then I
have gone on to eat a second breakfast an hour later. Forget single portion
chocolate bars, I need the sharing size because I know the standard bar won’t
satisfy my craving. I am eating huge portions for dinner, when I always
naturally used to eat small portions, and then eating dessert AND THEN
constantly snacking until I go to bed. Food has been a constant thought because
the hunger has been a constant feeling. And I have always known it was piling
on; my clothes have been telling me that it’s time to size up, again. I’d
think, “Hey, you need to curb your eating, you’re getting bloody fat” but at
the same time I just couldn’t not eat, because the hunger was all encompassing.
It was my contraceptive pill review in December 2017 that made my mind up for me. When the nurse weighed me, I said “I know I’ve gained weight since I was last here” and she smiled at me reassuringly as if to say, “Don’t worry, everyone says that, it’ll be ok”. Then when she actually weighed me and input the outcome into the computer, she did a double take and said that I have gained three stone THREE STONE! since I was weighed in June 2017. She looked through my records and said that I have never been anywhere this weight or gained so much so quickly since her data started in 1998. In fact the heaviest I had ever been was 10st 7lbs (I asked her) and I normally hovered quite naturally between 9st 7lbs and 10st, give or take, so this was really unusual for me. Then she saw that I was taking Mirtazapine and she said it made sense, that she had known patients to gain 6st a year whilst taking it (something I was right on track for!), and said that no matter how much exercise I did or however healthily I ate, while the hunger was there I would find it very difficult to shift weight because that hunger switch was set to “on” constantly and it is impossible to ignore.
It was my contraceptive pill review in December 2017 that made my mind up for me. When the nurse weighed me, I said “I know I’ve gained weight since I was last here” and she smiled at me reassuringly as if to say, “Don’t worry, everyone says that, it’ll be ok”. Then when she actually weighed me and input the outcome into the computer, she did a double take and said that I have gained three stone THREE STONE! since I was weighed in June 2017. She looked through my records and said that I have never been anywhere this weight or gained so much so quickly since her data started in 1998. In fact the heaviest I had ever been was 10st 7lbs (I asked her) and I normally hovered quite naturally between 9st 7lbs and 10st, give or take, so this was really unusual for me. Then she saw that I was taking Mirtazapine and she said it made sense, that she had known patients to gain 6st a year whilst taking it (something I was right on track for!), and said that no matter how much exercise I did or however healthily I ate, while the hunger was there I would find it very difficult to shift weight because that hunger switch was set to “on” constantly and it is impossible to ignore.
We had a long chat about how I was in general and she was
really kind to me because she knew it was something I was finding difficult to
cope with. She suggested making a GP appointment to see if I could change to a
different antidepressant, so that’s what I did.
A week later at my appointment, My GP and I decided together
that I would stop taking the Mirtazapine and rather than switch me straight
onto another antidepressant, I would see how I feel emotionally as I may do
well without anything at all. I very much hope that I will be able to stop
antidepressants altogether now that I do feel in a better place, although this
will remain to be seen, as we are not sure if the Mirtazapine is doing its job
and working its magic, or if I really am “over” the crash and am genuinely on a
more even keel with my mental health. My GP said that I could just stop taking
the Mirtazapine as I am only on a 15mg dose, but I felt reticent to just go
cold turkey, so after researching online, I am halving the dose to 7.5mg and
tapering off from there. I started reducing the dose on 26/12/17 and already my
appetite is calming down. No way back to normal yet, but heading in the right
direction. I will keep you posted!
Monday, 1 January 2018
It's been a while... life update
I have been thinking about this blog for a few months now,
desperately wanting and needing to write but lacking confidence to do it. I have got the
laptop out three times this week with the intention of posting, so now I am
finally doing it! I have really really missed blogging. I have been doing it sporadically
since 2009 and in the back of my mind I still think of myself as a blogger.
So much has happened since I was last here! So much. And
thankfully I am in a much better headspace today. I couldn’t see any future at
all back then, and I certainly couldn’t envisage being happy in my work ever
again. I had a month off with stress/depression, and I did a lot of thinking
and reassessing my life. When I went back to work I wasn’t finding it any
easier to cope with, despite my employer being supportive and me trying so hard
to be positive about it and make it work. But it just wasn’t the right role for
me, it never was, and it never would have been. I had wonderful, amazing
colleagues though, and they collectively kept me alive, actually. They don’t know
that, but they did.
So I put all of my spare time into job hunting. I very
quickly applied for (and got) another role within the same organisation and it sounded
perfect – an admin job, so not on the phones, and it was closer to home so I would
have barely had a commute. The only downside was a reduction in salary, but to
be honest I was still so miserable and close to the edge that I didn’t care, it
was away from my existing job and my mental health is always more important
than money. But soon afterwards they called me to say things had changed with
regards to that post due to budget cuts, and they offered me the same role but
at a different location, which basically would have meant the same commute as I
was already doing, but in the opposite direction, and it was now only a fixed-term
job for six months, instead of being permanent. Part of the reason I applied
for the new job was to cut my commute, so working for less money but still spending
a huge amount on petrol and the
prospect of being out of a job in the new year made it a no-no really, so I had
to decline. I was gutted as it meant I was still stuck in a job that was making
me ill, but I didn’t lose hope. I couldn’t. Call me a cliché, but I just knew
that things would end up ok. I hadn’t come back from the brink of ending my own
life for nothing. The other job was not meant to be for a reason, and I remember
thinking that at the time even though I was upset. I was literally just getting through the
workdays and going home straight to bed. I was physically exhausted, and
emotionally only just clinging on enough for me to function. I am not
exaggerating when I say that I totally missed Summer 2017. I was literally in
bed from the moment I got home every evening, surviving on cereal and porridge
that I ate in bed whilst completely dreading the next working day, desperately trying
to claw back some physical energy yet crying myself to sleep every night.
While all this was going on, one of my dearest friends moved
to the Isle of Man to start a lovely new life with her family, and I really
missed her. We saw each other all the
time since she lived really close to me, so it was really odd. Lots of changes
and lots of emotions. In July I was finally diagnosed with Pernicious Anaemia which explained
my debilitating fatigue at least. That, along with my Cerebral Palsy and
Fibromyalgia also meant that I could no longer physically sustain full time
employment, and my GP and I had a long discussion culminating in the fact that
I would realistically have to scale down what I was doing and look for
part-time employment.
A couple of months after the new job offer fell apart I saw
a part-time Receptionist job advertised at a Hospital ten minutes from home,
and I applied immediately. I knew that it meant that my salary would be more
than halved, so things would be very very tough financially, but money
certainly doesn’t buy happiness and I certainly couldn’t have been more miserable.
I just wanted to be happy in my work and feel more fulfilled, and I knew in my
gut that it would be a perfect fit for me.
Cut a long story short, I got the job!!! I started at the end of October and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!!! After my first day, it already felt more “right” than my old job ever did in the 10 months I was there. My colleagues are lovely and they immediately embraced me into their little team and made me feel so welcome, it feels like I have been there for years. There is still an awful lot to learn, I am doing lots of overtime and so I am constantly shattered, and I am permanently ill (welcome to working frontline in the NHS!) but despite that, I am happy! I. AM. HAPPY. I still can’t believe that I am able to write those words, but I am the happiest I have felt in years. I feel like I have won the Lotto! Yes I am also skint to the point where I have £25 a week left for food and petrol, and I have had to massively cut back on Christmas present buying this year, but STILL I am happy. I could do with learning how to make my money go further where food is concerned anyway, I was horrifically bad before and spent an absolute fortune on convenience food and top of the range brands without giving the cost a second thought. I am actually enjoying thinking about meal planning and spending as little as possible on what I am eating and spending generally. It has boosted my self-confidence a bit really, because I have realised that I am more than capable of doing what I need to do to live the life I want. Granted, it has only been a couple of months, but I’ll go with it for as long as it lasts!
I always struggle with my mental health at New Year and try to ensure that I am around others, but this year I was actually content to spend it in my PJ's at home on my own. I had a momentary blip after a few too many vodkas but I got through it and woke up this morning without that massive dread that here I was at the start of another new year, that it was somehow a mountain that I had to scale. I woke up feeling a sense of peace actually, kind of that feeling again that things will be ok. This has NEVER happened at New Year in the whole of my adult life. Again, it may be fleeting but I'm taking things day by day and making the most of a more positive mindset.
I don't really "do" resolutions but I have a few goals in mind for 2018 and writing my blog more often is pretty high up on that list.
I hope that your New Year was spent exactly how you wanted, and that the coming year is happy and healthy (I won't say prosperous because good health is everything and money can't buy happiness, not true happiness from within anyway).
Take care x
Cut a long story short, I got the job!!! I started at the end of October and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!!! After my first day, it already felt more “right” than my old job ever did in the 10 months I was there. My colleagues are lovely and they immediately embraced me into their little team and made me feel so welcome, it feels like I have been there for years. There is still an awful lot to learn, I am doing lots of overtime and so I am constantly shattered, and I am permanently ill (welcome to working frontline in the NHS!) but despite that, I am happy! I. AM. HAPPY. I still can’t believe that I am able to write those words, but I am the happiest I have felt in years. I feel like I have won the Lotto! Yes I am also skint to the point where I have £25 a week left for food and petrol, and I have had to massively cut back on Christmas present buying this year, but STILL I am happy. I could do with learning how to make my money go further where food is concerned anyway, I was horrifically bad before and spent an absolute fortune on convenience food and top of the range brands without giving the cost a second thought. I am actually enjoying thinking about meal planning and spending as little as possible on what I am eating and spending generally. It has boosted my self-confidence a bit really, because I have realised that I am more than capable of doing what I need to do to live the life I want. Granted, it has only been a couple of months, but I’ll go with it for as long as it lasts!
I always struggle with my mental health at New Year and try to ensure that I am around others, but this year I was actually content to spend it in my PJ's at home on my own. I had a momentary blip after a few too many vodkas but I got through it and woke up this morning without that massive dread that here I was at the start of another new year, that it was somehow a mountain that I had to scale. I woke up feeling a sense of peace actually, kind of that feeling again that things will be ok. This has NEVER happened at New Year in the whole of my adult life. Again, it may be fleeting but I'm taking things day by day and making the most of a more positive mindset.
I don't really "do" resolutions but I have a few goals in mind for 2018 and writing my blog more often is pretty high up on that list.
I hope that your New Year was spent exactly how you wanted, and that the coming year is happy and healthy (I won't say prosperous because good health is everything and money can't buy happiness, not true happiness from within anyway).
Take care x
Thursday, 20 April 2017
Dawn.
Since you are reading this, I am still here. It is the tomorrow that I dreaded. Last night was the strangest most exhausting night. I cried myself to sleep. Woke a few times in the night to discover that I was still crying, actual tears and everything. It was as though I was a robot with no control, and each time I would sink into back a pit of exhausted sobbing sleep. My alarm woke me at 6:30am and I was still crying. My pillow was drenched through with tears. It was the strangest thing. Immediately I felt as though I had been hit by a train. My head was pounding, my eyes were stinging and I realised that cold sores had formed in my nostrils overnight (tmi, apologies).
Running through my brain was "oh no, oh no, oh no" I could hear the town waking up, cars starting to travel along the main road. Every sound was magnified and terrifying. It was morning and I still felt as lost as the night before. I daren't get out of bed, bed was safe. But Poppy needed feeding and I needed the loo. As soon as I sat on the side of the bed I started shivering. Not like when I had flu or anything like that... I actually think it was fear. I felt as though I
was freefalling and I needed something to cling onto to stop me. So I got up and fed Poppy, trying to tune into her morning purrs and chirps. The noise of the odd car outside was scaring me. How could people be outdoors at a time like this?! The very thought was almost paralysing. My ears were ringing and I felt sick.
I thought about work. I should have been getting myself ready by now. I just knew it wasn't an option today. I could barely make it into my own kitchen. It was a though I was a child again. I didn't know what to do or how to do anything for myself. I wondered if I had had a stroke or if I had even died. I didn't feel like me, I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel as though I was real. God, that sounds crazy. But it's the truth. So I tried to think what normal me would do. I reached for my phone and text my friend to ask what I needed to do about work. Ten minutes later and I had finally summoned enough courage to ring the Duty Manager to say I needed to call the doctor's surgery and go today. The DM was beyond lovely. I can't remember what I even said to her now but I know I was crying. Just what the poor woman needed at work when it wasn't even 8am yet! Argh, I am always such a burden. Took me an absolute age to get through to the surgery but I eventually got an appointment for 11:40am. Dragged myself out of the house wearing any old thing with no make up on my pink and white face. I looked a right mess. The sun was blinding. My head was so LOUD. It was all very odd. I still don't know what that was all about.
My usual GP doesn't work Wednesdays so I saw one of the other GP's. I hadn't met her before but goodness knows what she thought of me. There were tears, yet again. She asked me if I had suicide plans - no. Had I thought of ways? Yes, very often while driving in the mornings but nothing right now. Had I harmed myself? No, nothing to speak of anyway. Etc etc. She wanted to sign me off for a month but god, no I can't be off that long. I am already terrified that I have messed up my probation at work. So we compromised. I am going back onto meds. We spoke about my fear of side effects etc but eventually I admitted that I would try them. You never know, these ones may even make me feel better. I left with a prescription for Mirtazapine and a sick note for one week. I am going back to see my own GP next week and we will take it from there.
Got home, rang work, rang Mum, then sat not really knowing what to do. Poppy jumped straight onto my lap and settled down for a sleep. Feeling her warmth and listening to her purrs brought me back into my own body I think. Does that make sense? All morning I had not felt as though I was me. At the doctors surgery it was like I was watching myself but not really listening. So so weird.
I don't know how much time passed stroking Poppy but the ringing in my ears quietened down and I gradually felt as though I was settling back into myself. I could hear birds, the men digging up the road outside my house installing Virgin Media cable - they were there earlier when I left but I couldn't actually remember hearing them at that time. And that's the truth. All I could hear were my thoughts and that god-awful ringing in my ears. Again, it's so weird, because that drill and digger were LOUD.
I thought about going outside to sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine. But I couldn't do it. So I stayed indoors all day. I have been beyond exhausted but whenever I tried to nap, thoughts would swirl and interrupt me. It is 11:36pm and I am still awake. I have brought a hot chocolate to bed so I can drink it while I type this. It feels like a treat. My head is so very heavy, my eyes are sore, puffy and red and I feel utterly drained. I hope that I get some decent sleep. It has been weeks.
I am trying very hard not to worry about work. I want to clarify that I am not in this position now because of work. I appreciate that my last post may have sounded like it, because I was massively stressing about it yesterday for reasons I can't go into here. As the Dr said earlier, if I was in a more stable headspace I would be better equipped to cope with work and I wouldn't be at this level of worrying now. But it is undeniably a stress factor in my life, as it is for anyone in a new job. I want to do well. I don't want to fuck up my probation. I need to keep my job as I have bills and a mortgage to pay on my own, and nobody's going to pay it for me. I love the people at work and feel very fortunate to have got the job, even though I don't think it is ultimately right for me. But as of today, I just can't cope with it. Too much going on for me to deal with. And I know that I realistically need to take this week to start the meds (if I can face going to get them tomorrow). The Dr said that hopefully the side effects should have diminished by the time I go back next week, so now is absolutely the best time to start taking them.
I feel frightened at the thought of going out tomorrow though. I hope I feel in a better headspace about it in the morning. Really sucks being single at times like this. Doesn't help either that I am fiercely independent because I have lovely friends and I know they would go and collect a prescription for me if I asked. But they have busy lives, and I don't want to burden them.
Running through my brain was "oh no, oh no, oh no" I could hear the town waking up, cars starting to travel along the main road. Every sound was magnified and terrifying. It was morning and I still felt as lost as the night before. I daren't get out of bed, bed was safe. But Poppy needed feeding and I needed the loo. As soon as I sat on the side of the bed I started shivering. Not like when I had flu or anything like that... I actually think it was fear. I felt as though I
was freefalling and I needed something to cling onto to stop me. So I got up and fed Poppy, trying to tune into her morning purrs and chirps. The noise of the odd car outside was scaring me. How could people be outdoors at a time like this?! The very thought was almost paralysing. My ears were ringing and I felt sick.
I thought about work. I should have been getting myself ready by now. I just knew it wasn't an option today. I could barely make it into my own kitchen. It was a though I was a child again. I didn't know what to do or how to do anything for myself. I wondered if I had had a stroke or if I had even died. I didn't feel like me, I didn't feel like a person. I didn't feel as though I was real. God, that sounds crazy. But it's the truth. So I tried to think what normal me would do. I reached for my phone and text my friend to ask what I needed to do about work. Ten minutes later and I had finally summoned enough courage to ring the Duty Manager to say I needed to call the doctor's surgery and go today. The DM was beyond lovely. I can't remember what I even said to her now but I know I was crying. Just what the poor woman needed at work when it wasn't even 8am yet! Argh, I am always such a burden. Took me an absolute age to get through to the surgery but I eventually got an appointment for 11:40am. Dragged myself out of the house wearing any old thing with no make up on my pink and white face. I looked a right mess. The sun was blinding. My head was so LOUD. It was all very odd. I still don't know what that was all about.
My usual GP doesn't work Wednesdays so I saw one of the other GP's. I hadn't met her before but goodness knows what she thought of me. There were tears, yet again. She asked me if I had suicide plans - no. Had I thought of ways? Yes, very often while driving in the mornings but nothing right now. Had I harmed myself? No, nothing to speak of anyway. Etc etc. She wanted to sign me off for a month but god, no I can't be off that long. I am already terrified that I have messed up my probation at work. So we compromised. I am going back onto meds. We spoke about my fear of side effects etc but eventually I admitted that I would try them. You never know, these ones may even make me feel better. I left with a prescription for Mirtazapine and a sick note for one week. I am going back to see my own GP next week and we will take it from there.
Got home, rang work, rang Mum, then sat not really knowing what to do. Poppy jumped straight onto my lap and settled down for a sleep. Feeling her warmth and listening to her purrs brought me back into my own body I think. Does that make sense? All morning I had not felt as though I was me. At the doctors surgery it was like I was watching myself but not really listening. So so weird.
I don't know how much time passed stroking Poppy but the ringing in my ears quietened down and I gradually felt as though I was settling back into myself. I could hear birds, the men digging up the road outside my house installing Virgin Media cable - they were there earlier when I left but I couldn't actually remember hearing them at that time. And that's the truth. All I could hear were my thoughts and that god-awful ringing in my ears. Again, it's so weird, because that drill and digger were LOUD.
I thought about going outside to sit in the garden and enjoy the sunshine. But I couldn't do it. So I stayed indoors all day. I have been beyond exhausted but whenever I tried to nap, thoughts would swirl and interrupt me. It is 11:36pm and I am still awake. I have brought a hot chocolate to bed so I can drink it while I type this. It feels like a treat. My head is so very heavy, my eyes are sore, puffy and red and I feel utterly drained. I hope that I get some decent sleep. It has been weeks.
I am trying very hard not to worry about work. I want to clarify that I am not in this position now because of work. I appreciate that my last post may have sounded like it, because I was massively stressing about it yesterday for reasons I can't go into here. As the Dr said earlier, if I was in a more stable headspace I would be better equipped to cope with work and I wouldn't be at this level of worrying now. But it is undeniably a stress factor in my life, as it is for anyone in a new job. I want to do well. I don't want to fuck up my probation. I need to keep my job as I have bills and a mortgage to pay on my own, and nobody's going to pay it for me. I love the people at work and feel very fortunate to have got the job, even though I don't think it is ultimately right for me. But as of today, I just can't cope with it. Too much going on for me to deal with. And I know that I realistically need to take this week to start the meds (if I can face going to get them tomorrow). The Dr said that hopefully the side effects should have diminished by the time I go back next week, so now is absolutely the best time to start taking them.
I feel frightened at the thought of going out tomorrow though. I hope I feel in a better headspace about it in the morning. Really sucks being single at times like this. Doesn't help either that I am fiercely independent because I have lovely friends and I know they would go and collect a prescription for me if I asked. But they have busy lives, and I don't want to burden them.
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
Darkness
Nobody reads this blog, so it's ok. I'm safe to vent.
I've been here once before. My current mindset, I mean. Constantly questioning "what's the point?" Wondering how much longer I can continue like this before something snaps. Like last time. Except this time I can see it building. I know the signs. I know where this is leading. But what I don't know is how to stop it, because things in my life won't let me stop it. In many ways I am in a far worse place than before. My life has changed beyond recognition. When I implemented these changes it was a way out of another very bad situation. But I did it wrong. I rushed into it when I wasn't emotionally ready, because there wasn't any other option. I should have made the perpetrator of that situation pay for their actions. I may do that yet, there's still time. But that's another story. Needless to say I shouldn't have been the one to give up everything I knew. I was very let down by the people who could have - should have - stopped things reaching the point where I had to go. It shouldn't have been me leaving. It should have been the perpetrator or at least the little bitch who proved to be the catalyst. Still, blood is thicker than water. Should have remembered that.
Anyway here I am, sitting here at 7:00am on the Tuesday after the long Easter bank holiday weekend off. Sitting in tears, as is usual on a work day, because soon I will have to leave the house. Today isn't as bad as normal though, because I am working from an office closer to home. Home is my safe place, and today's office is a safe place too. I panic if I am too far from home and familiar surroundings. The pace is slower there too, I am not constantly "on" and it is quieter. I can't cope with the endless noise, the constant "on" of the other office. I am not emotionally built for constant stimulation, the constant "on" Something I realised when it was far too late. Consequently I am always battling that fight or flight feeling whenever I am "on". It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Add the commute that takes the best part of an hour each way and doing the actual on job onto that and I honestly couldn't tell you how I have survived the last six months. It isn't anyone's fault, all mine. I was naive about what I was applying for, if I had known I certainly would have stuck it out at the old place for a bit longer. And anyway, I wasn't to know that it wasn't for me until I tried it. The people are all so so lovely, very welcoming and I have made some good friends. Just the actual role is beyond stressful. For me anyway. On paper it is ok, and for plenty of others it is a fab little job, but for me I can't put into words the level of anxiety it causes me. I am made to deal with people face to face at a less hectic pace. That's all I can say really.
Tomorrow and the rest of the week I will be back to hellish levels of anxiety where I can't get off the loo, my throat feels as though It is constantly closing and all of my energy goes on not crying. Keep it together, keep it together... counting down the minutes, literally, until my next break and then finally, home. Where I spend the drive home either numb or in tears, then get into bed no more than an hour after I am home. Sometimes I get into bed immediately. It depends.
Many years ago, I used to want someone to save me. How stupid was that? People are just arseholes, especially the ones I let in, the ones who I literally gave everything to never cared about me like I thought they did. Proof is in the pudding. Dropped like a stone when they no longer needed me. No payback either. People I love always leave in the end, one way or another. But now, there's no saving me. I can't even save myself any more. I am exhausted with trying to save myself, it never worked anyway, I know that now. It has just left me grieving for my old life and feeling angry at those who drove me out.
I am fed up of feeling trapped. I feel totally and utterly trapped in every which way. Trapped by work, trapped by my body, trapped by life. I need to escape NOW. I can't wait for things to get better. I am fed up of people telling me to hang on in there because things will get better. I have waited almost 6 months for things to get better, and it bloody isn't getting better. Everything is getting worse, not better, not easier. I am getting worse. I need to reduce my hours desperately and not work a Wednesday (joint decision between my GP & I) but if I do that then I am stuck because i will be so much out of pocket because of the cost of petrol to get to work. It won't be worth it. I am already worse off financially because I have now lost my Tax Credits because this job is better paid, only the fuel cost to get there has taken up all of the extra salary, and then some. I am spending a huge amount on the Lotto every week, because it gives me some hope of an escape. But that's a mugs game isn't it. The only hope I have though of getting away from everything, so I take that hope.
I think I am fast becoming not very well again emotionally. I mean, it isn't normal to think about purposefully taking your car off the road on the way to work is it, just to escape everything. The only thing that stops me is not wanting to inconvenience anyone else just because I feel like shit. I just want to slip away somewhere quietly without anyone knowing. Knowing that I have that last resort option in the back of my mind keeps me going, somewhat. It is an escape plan after all, if all else fails. I don't want to die, because of those left behind who might miss me, like my parents and my sister who is my world. But I don't want to live in this headspace any more. I don't have anything to live for, only Poppy cat, but she would be looked after and loved I am sure, she is adorable. No children, no partner. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I should have those things. But those good things happen to other people, not to someone like me. I am not loveable and certainly not a catch for anyone so I guess it figures. Who would want to be saddled with someone like me?
I sound crazy. But don't they say that you wouldn't know if you are emotionally ill if you were? So does that mean I am ok after all? If I am ok, why am I constantly feeling close to tears, moods up and down like a yo-yo, wanting to stay home and thinking about not being here any more? That can't be ok? I don't even know any more. I can't remember the last time I felt calm, happy and not feeling as though I am hanging onto life by the thinnest thread.
I am so so so tired of putting a brave face on, seemingly getting on with things. Smiling and making lighthearted chatter when inside I just want to cry and go home wherever I am. I am so tired of feeling exhausted and in pain every fucking day. Having fibromyalgia is shit. Having cerebral palsy is shit. Having BPD, anxiety and depression is shit. Try having the lot of them all together and see how you feel! I am tired of being told that I am a high functioning BPD patient, here's some DBT worksheets, now run along and complete them yourself, make yourself better... nobody takes me seriously when I say I am this close to giving up, they don't see me now sobbing, they don't see me almost every day sobbing driving to work (I say almost every day because I sometimes car share, then conversation distracts me somewhat), they don't know that I stopped wearing makeup to work because I keep crying, and my makeup is too expensive to be cried off before I even get to where I am going. I have medication that I am supposed to take, only I am scared to because of the side effects, remembering all too well what Citalopram did to me. Just the scary thing is that my mind is back there now, this time without medication fucking it up. This time it's my head fucking up. And I am not scared of just those side effects, but also the mind fog. I struggle with remembering everything as it is!!! My brain is so oversaturated with info that there's no room for leeway, not with what I have to do all day. It's all go, go, go. Be on the ball, recall info just like that. And then there's the weight gain side effects and with my background that's not good either... I don't know what to do. As I said, I'm trapped.
I am trapped and I want to run, so desperately. I want a crystal ball. I want someone to tell me that everything will be ok, I want to know that everything will be ok. Except it won't be ok, and I just can't carry on like this. I don't want tomorrow to come.
I've been here once before. My current mindset, I mean. Constantly questioning "what's the point?" Wondering how much longer I can continue like this before something snaps. Like last time. Except this time I can see it building. I know the signs. I know where this is leading. But what I don't know is how to stop it, because things in my life won't let me stop it. In many ways I am in a far worse place than before. My life has changed beyond recognition. When I implemented these changes it was a way out of another very bad situation. But I did it wrong. I rushed into it when I wasn't emotionally ready, because there wasn't any other option. I should have made the perpetrator of that situation pay for their actions. I may do that yet, there's still time. But that's another story. Needless to say I shouldn't have been the one to give up everything I knew. I was very let down by the people who could have - should have - stopped things reaching the point where I had to go. It shouldn't have been me leaving. It should have been the perpetrator or at least the little bitch who proved to be the catalyst. Still, blood is thicker than water. Should have remembered that.
Anyway here I am, sitting here at 7:00am on the Tuesday after the long Easter bank holiday weekend off. Sitting in tears, as is usual on a work day, because soon I will have to leave the house. Today isn't as bad as normal though, because I am working from an office closer to home. Home is my safe place, and today's office is a safe place too. I panic if I am too far from home and familiar surroundings. The pace is slower there too, I am not constantly "on" and it is quieter. I can't cope with the endless noise, the constant "on" of the other office. I am not emotionally built for constant stimulation, the constant "on" Something I realised when it was far too late. Consequently I am always battling that fight or flight feeling whenever I am "on". It is physically and emotionally exhausting. Add the commute that takes the best part of an hour each way and doing the actual on job onto that and I honestly couldn't tell you how I have survived the last six months. It isn't anyone's fault, all mine. I was naive about what I was applying for, if I had known I certainly would have stuck it out at the old place for a bit longer. And anyway, I wasn't to know that it wasn't for me until I tried it. The people are all so so lovely, very welcoming and I have made some good friends. Just the actual role is beyond stressful. For me anyway. On paper it is ok, and for plenty of others it is a fab little job, but for me I can't put into words the level of anxiety it causes me. I am made to deal with people face to face at a less hectic pace. That's all I can say really.
Tomorrow and the rest of the week I will be back to hellish levels of anxiety where I can't get off the loo, my throat feels as though It is constantly closing and all of my energy goes on not crying. Keep it together, keep it together... counting down the minutes, literally, until my next break and then finally, home. Where I spend the drive home either numb or in tears, then get into bed no more than an hour after I am home. Sometimes I get into bed immediately. It depends.
Many years ago, I used to want someone to save me. How stupid was that? People are just arseholes, especially the ones I let in, the ones who I literally gave everything to never cared about me like I thought they did. Proof is in the pudding. Dropped like a stone when they no longer needed me. No payback either. People I love always leave in the end, one way or another. But now, there's no saving me. I can't even save myself any more. I am exhausted with trying to save myself, it never worked anyway, I know that now. It has just left me grieving for my old life and feeling angry at those who drove me out.
I am fed up of feeling trapped. I feel totally and utterly trapped in every which way. Trapped by work, trapped by my body, trapped by life. I need to escape NOW. I can't wait for things to get better. I am fed up of people telling me to hang on in there because things will get better. I have waited almost 6 months for things to get better, and it bloody isn't getting better. Everything is getting worse, not better, not easier. I am getting worse. I need to reduce my hours desperately and not work a Wednesday (joint decision between my GP & I) but if I do that then I am stuck because i will be so much out of pocket because of the cost of petrol to get to work. It won't be worth it. I am already worse off financially because I have now lost my Tax Credits because this job is better paid, only the fuel cost to get there has taken up all of the extra salary, and then some. I am spending a huge amount on the Lotto every week, because it gives me some hope of an escape. But that's a mugs game isn't it. The only hope I have though of getting away from everything, so I take that hope.
I think I am fast becoming not very well again emotionally. I mean, it isn't normal to think about purposefully taking your car off the road on the way to work is it, just to escape everything. The only thing that stops me is not wanting to inconvenience anyone else just because I feel like shit. I just want to slip away somewhere quietly without anyone knowing. Knowing that I have that last resort option in the back of my mind keeps me going, somewhat. It is an escape plan after all, if all else fails. I don't want to die, because of those left behind who might miss me, like my parents and my sister who is my world. But I don't want to live in this headspace any more. I don't have anything to live for, only Poppy cat, but she would be looked after and loved I am sure, she is adorable. No children, no partner. This isn't how my life was supposed to turn out. I should have those things. But those good things happen to other people, not to someone like me. I am not loveable and certainly not a catch for anyone so I guess it figures. Who would want to be saddled with someone like me?
I sound crazy. But don't they say that you wouldn't know if you are emotionally ill if you were? So does that mean I am ok after all? If I am ok, why am I constantly feeling close to tears, moods up and down like a yo-yo, wanting to stay home and thinking about not being here any more? That can't be ok? I don't even know any more. I can't remember the last time I felt calm, happy and not feeling as though I am hanging onto life by the thinnest thread.
I am so so so tired of putting a brave face on, seemingly getting on with things. Smiling and making lighthearted chatter when inside I just want to cry and go home wherever I am. I am so tired of feeling exhausted and in pain every fucking day. Having fibromyalgia is shit. Having cerebral palsy is shit. Having BPD, anxiety and depression is shit. Try having the lot of them all together and see how you feel! I am tired of being told that I am a high functioning BPD patient, here's some DBT worksheets, now run along and complete them yourself, make yourself better... nobody takes me seriously when I say I am this close to giving up, they don't see me now sobbing, they don't see me almost every day sobbing driving to work (I say almost every day because I sometimes car share, then conversation distracts me somewhat), they don't know that I stopped wearing makeup to work because I keep crying, and my makeup is too expensive to be cried off before I even get to where I am going. I have medication that I am supposed to take, only I am scared to because of the side effects, remembering all too well what Citalopram did to me. Just the scary thing is that my mind is back there now, this time without medication fucking it up. This time it's my head fucking up. And I am not scared of just those side effects, but also the mind fog. I struggle with remembering everything as it is!!! My brain is so oversaturated with info that there's no room for leeway, not with what I have to do all day. It's all go, go, go. Be on the ball, recall info just like that. And then there's the weight gain side effects and with my background that's not good either... I don't know what to do. As I said, I'm trapped.
I am trapped and I want to run, so desperately. I want a crystal ball. I want someone to tell me that everything will be ok, I want to know that everything will be ok. Except it won't be ok, and I just can't carry on like this. I don't want tomorrow to come.
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Comfortably numb... but now what?
Without going into toooo much detail, 2016 has not started well for me, mental health wise.
One of the things that came out of my New Year Episode was that we (the royal "we" being my GP, psychiatrist and I) realised and agreed that my antidepressants have slowly but surely been making me worse. Much worse. I was prescribed them years ago, back when the catalogue of my years of messed up thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions was simply diagnosed as severe depression. Since then, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and as I said, it has become clear that Citalopram has NOT been my friend.
I have now been off my antidepressants for exactly a month. 2016, so far, has been damn hard.
The very rapid withdrawal from my antidepressants has been HORRENDOUS physically and emotionally.
Physically... I've had nightmares, debilitating nausea, dizziness, sweats, and worst of all, what I can only describe as "brain zaps". It feels as though your brain is being electric shocked... kind of like when you've had one vodka too many and it takes your vision a few seconds to catch up when you turn your head, but with this, ZAP! your vision moves in and out, your thoughts are jumbled and you feel generally disorientated. Actually, I would say that the brain zaps have been the worst part, and they continue to this day, although much less frequently. They are fading in intensity too, so there's a positive.
Emotionally... A month down the line and I am beginning to realise just how ****** up I have been due to Citalopram fog. Now that the fog is beginning to lift, I am aware that I have been walking around and functioning in a zombie-like state for years. Comfortably numb, but at the same time feeling all of these emotions bubbling away under the surface and not quite knowing what to do with them.
Don't even ask me how I have kept my job, because I have no idea.
Now, I am beginning to be aware of thoughts and feelings, and they are powerful and raw. I suppose they are real, no longer concealed below a window that I could see them through but couldn't quite open to let out, at least in a way that wasn't self-destructive.
I was speaking about this to my GP last week, because it is quite frightening, Again, all of these real emotions and what do I DO about them? How do I start to process and work through them with a clear(ish) mind? It was bad enough coping with the safety net of the Fog, but now I just feel as though I am free-falling.
My overall emotion is anger. I'm not outwardly angry. I don't lash out or scream and shout... but it's there. A big black swirl of it.
I'm angry at everything and everyone. I crave company, but then people annoy me and I just want to be alone again. But I don't really, because then the self-destructive thoughts start and I can't tell them to shut up. I can't make myself feel better. I never have been able to.
These last couple of weeks, I have been weepy and scared. My appetite is insatiable. I am constantly hungry, which is very unusual for me, and with that comes my fear of gaining weight, when I have tried so hard not to.
But mostly I am angry. Inwardly angry, I feel misunderstood, and that pisses me off. I feel judged, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to explain some of the choices that I make, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to justify myself to people, and that pisses me off. I feel as though people just want me for their own inconvenience, and that pisses me off. Basically everyone and everything pisses me off. SO MUCH ANGER.
I don't know who I am any more. I don't know if my thoughts are valid. I not the person I was before my mental illness took hold, and for so many years I have been hidden beneath Citalopram Fog, I feel like a teenager again, trying to work out who I am and what my role is in the world. It was bad enough being a teenager the first time around, and I don't like feeling like one now. No thanks.
I hope this passes. Outwardly I am me as I always have been, smiling, making conversation... inwardly I am a horrible arsehole. What if that horrible person is who I am now?!
We have been talking about me starting on a drug called Mirtazapine, but for the moment I want to see how I get on living and feeling "in the present", without meds. It's difficult, but I'm not drowning in my thoughts and emotions at the moment.
The Mental Health team have been supplying me with DBT booklets and worksheets to complete, because I am "high functioning" and they feel that I will be able to work through them myself. There is a very long waiting list for group therapy, I am finding them quite difficult to be honest, and can't envisage ever grasping "mindfulness". But I am giving them a good go. I hope to look back on this post in a month or two and feel very differently about everything,
I'm taking it day by day.
One of the things that came out of my New Year Episode was that we (the royal "we" being my GP, psychiatrist and I) realised and agreed that my antidepressants have slowly but surely been making me worse. Much worse. I was prescribed them years ago, back when the catalogue of my years of messed up thoughts and rollercoaster of emotions was simply diagnosed as severe depression. Since then, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and as I said, it has become clear that Citalopram has NOT been my friend.
I have now been off my antidepressants for exactly a month. 2016, so far, has been damn hard.
The very rapid withdrawal from my antidepressants has been HORRENDOUS physically and emotionally.
Physically... I've had nightmares, debilitating nausea, dizziness, sweats, and worst of all, what I can only describe as "brain zaps". It feels as though your brain is being electric shocked... kind of like when you've had one vodka too many and it takes your vision a few seconds to catch up when you turn your head, but with this, ZAP! your vision moves in and out, your thoughts are jumbled and you feel generally disorientated. Actually, I would say that the brain zaps have been the worst part, and they continue to this day, although much less frequently. They are fading in intensity too, so there's a positive.
Emotionally... A month down the line and I am beginning to realise just how ****** up I have been due to Citalopram fog. Now that the fog is beginning to lift, I am aware that I have been walking around and functioning in a zombie-like state for years. Comfortably numb, but at the same time feeling all of these emotions bubbling away under the surface and not quite knowing what to do with them.
Don't even ask me how I have kept my job, because I have no idea.
Now, I am beginning to be aware of thoughts and feelings, and they are powerful and raw. I suppose they are real, no longer concealed below a window that I could see them through but couldn't quite open to let out, at least in a way that wasn't self-destructive.
I was speaking about this to my GP last week, because it is quite frightening, Again, all of these real emotions and what do I DO about them? How do I start to process and work through them with a clear(ish) mind? It was bad enough coping with the safety net of the Fog, but now I just feel as though I am free-falling.
I'm angry at everything and everyone. I crave company, but then people annoy me and I just want to be alone again. But I don't really, because then the self-destructive thoughts start and I can't tell them to shut up. I can't make myself feel better. I never have been able to.
These last couple of weeks, I have been weepy and scared. My appetite is insatiable. I am constantly hungry, which is very unusual for me, and with that comes my fear of gaining weight, when I have tried so hard not to.
But mostly I am angry. Inwardly angry, I feel misunderstood, and that pisses me off. I feel judged, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to explain some of the choices that I make, and that pisses me off. I feel as though I have to justify myself to people, and that pisses me off. I feel as though people just want me for their own inconvenience, and that pisses me off. Basically everyone and everything pisses me off. SO MUCH ANGER.
I don't know who I am any more. I don't know if my thoughts are valid. I not the person I was before my mental illness took hold, and for so many years I have been hidden beneath Citalopram Fog, I feel like a teenager again, trying to work out who I am and what my role is in the world. It was bad enough being a teenager the first time around, and I don't like feeling like one now. No thanks.
I hope this passes. Outwardly I am me as I always have been, smiling, making conversation... inwardly I am a horrible arsehole. What if that horrible person is who I am now?!
We have been talking about me starting on a drug called Mirtazapine, but for the moment I want to see how I get on living and feeling "in the present", without meds. It's difficult, but I'm not drowning in my thoughts and emotions at the moment.
The Mental Health team have been supplying me with DBT booklets and worksheets to complete, because I am "high functioning" and they feel that I will be able to work through them myself. There is a very long waiting list for group therapy, I am finding them quite difficult to be honest, and can't envisage ever grasping "mindfulness". But I am giving them a good go. I hope to look back on this post in a month or two and feel very differently about everything,
I'm taking it day by day.
Saturday, 9 January 2016
Winter Blues Essentials...
I don't know about you, but I always feel a bit down and deflated in those transitional days after Christmas, after the tree and pretty decorations have been taken down and it's time to get back into the normal routine of the working week, when most of us go to work and arrive home in the dark and spring sunshine feels a very long way away.
I always look forward to coming home, closing the curtains, shutting out the world and snuggling down with my winter blues essentials.
What are your favourite things to cheer you up after Christmas?